An Open Letter to George R “Not [my] Bitch” R Martin

George –

I know you’re not my bitch.  You are not my dancing monkey (which is a good thing cos monkeys are fucking scary as hell).  This is not a letter asking you where the hell The Winds of Winter is.  This is not a letter asking you to please write faster.

I’m used to waiting.  I waited 16 years to finish reading The Dark Tower, but some people had a 20+ year wait so as far as I’m concerned, you’ve got some time coming to you.

No, I’m concerned about this.

Eight books, George?  EIGHT?!

nope

I don’t…

[pinches bridge of nose]

Remember when you wrote the afterword to A Feast for Crows and said this:

All the rest of the characters you love or love to hate will be along next year (I devoutly hope) in A Dance With Dragons.

And then you got all caught up in the Meereenese Knot and we had to wait SIX YEARS for the next one?  Remember that?

I’m sure you do, cos no one will ever let you forget it.

Now.  I’m not saying that I want you to write faster (although I’d love it if maybe you finished the story you want to tell before I have to hear about how you ended it from the stupid show that I REFUSE TO WATCH UNTIL AFTER YOU FINISH THE DAMN BOOKS OR ARE DEAD), but I’d like to know that you have more than just the endgame plotted out.

I’d like to not read things like this:

Don’t write outlines; I hate outlines. I have a broad sense of where the story is going; I know the end, I know the end of the principal characters, and I know the major turning points and events from the books, the climaxes for each book, but I don’t necessarily know each twist and turn along the way. That’s something I discover in the course of writing and that’s what makes writing enjoyable. I think if I outlined comprehensively and stuck to the outline the actual writing would be boring.

ZOMFGWTAFBBQ?!

George, this is like when I learned that the writers of Alias were just making that shit up as they went along.

This is my new reaction photo for when I just. can't. even.

This is my new reaction photo for when I just. can’t. even.

I just…I honestly don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore.

George – you don’t need 3 more books to tell your story.  What you need is to send off the manuscript pages you have now and have them published as a novella.  Then give us a novella or two a year until you’re done.  At least that way we won’t all be worrying that the tv show is going to spoil things for us (y’know – SINCE YOU ALREADY FUCKING TOLD THEM HOW IT ENDS).

(Or just email me to let me know if R+L=J and who wins the damn throne.  I’ll keep your secret, promise.)

Oh, you also need to start taking better care of yourself and get on a decent cardio program.  I’d hate to learn you keeled over into a wheel of brie.

xoxo

 

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “An Open Letter to George R “Not [my] Bitch” R Martin

      • Yeah, but I refuse to read any of them until one of two things happen:

        1. He finishes the frickin’ thing.

        2. He dies before finishing so at least I can prepare myself for an open ending.

        I’d really like to read the whole thing, though.

          • Eric just started going off about Patrick Rothfuss making us wait so long for the last book in his trilogy. “They both just need to sit down, write the damned books, and be done with it.” I said, “So you write them then.” Hahaha!

  1. We are psychic sisters. My next post is on Game of Thrones.Not on this topic, though. When did he announce 8 books?

    He acts like a turd, all smug because his readers are eagerly awaiting his books. I heard him in an interview once, laughing and saying he ought to make his readers wait 20 years for the next installment.

  2. Sarah says:

    Maybe the eighth book is to cover the story of Ros, the character original to the TV show who he said he liked so much he was going to write her in.

    I don’t know though. Maybe none of this can be rushed. Since don’t you know it’s totally real! It’s happening right now and if you lived in the right place of New Jersey you could look out your window to Staten Island and see it!!!

  3. [Long sweary rant about how the show will pass the books, and ALL book-readers will either have to continue the story on tv, or 100% definitely be spoiled.]

    Also, in the time between AFFC and ADWD, Steven Erikson wrote and published the last 5, count ’em, FIVE installments of the Malazan Book of The Fallen, each over 1000 pages (paperback) and each a masterpiece.

    I’d feel a lot better about this if GRRM just admitted he doesn’t like writing ASOIAF anymore and that he’s much happier editing other people’s anthologies and doing the convention circuit.

  4. Word! (I’m bringing “word” back.) if you get the email, fwd it to me. I can keep secrets too!! I’m dyyyying! Also, I’m stealing the Neil “I can’t even” pic.

  5. cynthiaw says:

    I feel totes vindicated in refusing to read the books or watch the show until the whole thing is done. Although, frankly, I may never watch the show because HBO and their gratuitous naked stuff freaks me out.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s