An Open Letter to George R “Not [my] Bitch” R Martin

George –

I know you’re not my bitch.  You are not my dancing monkey (which is a good thing cos monkeys are fucking scary as hell).  This is not a letter asking you where the hell The Winds of Winter is.  This is not a letter asking you to please write faster.

I’m used to waiting.  I waited 16 years to finish reading The Dark Tower, but some people had a 20+ year wait so as far as I’m concerned, you’ve got some time coming to you.

No, I’m concerned about this.

Eight books, George?  EIGHT?!

nope

I don’t…

[pinches bridge of nose]

Remember when you wrote the afterword to A Feast for Crows and said this:

All the rest of the characters you love or love to hate will be along next year (I devoutly hope) in A Dance With Dragons.

And then you got all caught up in the Meereenese Knot and we had to wait SIX YEARS for the next one?  Remember that?

I’m sure you do, cos no one will ever let you forget it.

Now.  I’m not saying that I want you to write faster (although I’d love it if maybe you finished the story you want to tell before I have to hear about how you ended it from the stupid show that I REFUSE TO WATCH UNTIL AFTER YOU FINISH THE DAMN BOOKS OR ARE DEAD), but I’d like to know that you have more than just the endgame plotted out.

I’d like to not read things like this:

Don’t write outlines; I hate outlines. I have a broad sense of where the story is going; I know the end, I know the end of the principal characters, and I know the major turning points and events from the books, the climaxes for each book, but I don’t necessarily know each twist and turn along the way. That’s something I discover in the course of writing and that’s what makes writing enjoyable. I think if I outlined comprehensively and stuck to the outline the actual writing would be boring.

ZOMFGWTAFBBQ?!

George, this is like when I learned that the writers of Alias were just making that shit up as they went along.

This is my new reaction photo for when I just. can't. even.

This is my new reaction photo for when I just. can’t. even.

I just…I honestly don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore.

George – you don’t need 3 more books to tell your story.  What you need is to send off the manuscript pages you have now and have them published as a novella.  Then give us a novella or two a year until you’re done.  At least that way we won’t all be worrying that the tv show is going to spoil things for us (y’know – SINCE YOU ALREADY FUCKING TOLD THEM HOW IT ENDS).

(Or just email me to let me know if R+L=J and who wins the damn throne.  I’ll keep your secret, promise.)

Oh, you also need to start taking better care of yourself and get on a decent cardio program.  I’d hate to learn you keeled over into a wheel of brie.

xoxo

 

Advertisements