I like your feminism, I do not like your feminists.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like I should just block everyone I know on social media and start over with new friends.

I’m sitting here, already upset about all the shit that’s happening in my life, and all I see on social media are people fighting about what is/isn’t appropriate feminist behaviour.

I got into this huge fight on a private forum last week with a dude that denies his misogyny, even though he exhibits all the behaviours of a typical misogynist asshole.  And because I firmly believe that one catches more flies with honey than with vinegar, I went out of my way to interact with him with the kindness and respect I hope I’ve earned when speaking with other people.  I even went so far as to tell him that I was one of the most laidback feminists he’d ever meet, which was met with a derisive laugh.

The reason I was met with such scorn?  Because of his previous interactions with feminists who believe that civilness and respect in discussion amounts to tone policing, which is stifling the conversation.


I just did a search for the term “tone policing” on twitter and came up with the following:

tonepolicing is yet another form of dehumanisation.


I think tonepolicing/calls for discussions to be ‘civil’ or ‘rational’ derails discussion, moving them away from the core issues.


Tonepolicing is just another way to silence a person.


Tonepolicing is an unhelpful tactic. You can form an opinion on an issue independent of tone, yes?

w/r/t the last one, because that sticks in my craw the most…no.  No, I cannot form an opinion independent of tone.  Because no one likes being talked down to by a condescending, yelling asshole.  No one.  IDGaF whether you’re a man, a woman or a fucking Orion Slave Trader, if you talk down to me, I’mma clam the fuck up and dig in my heels.  Even if I agree with what you’re saying.  Actually, ESPECIALLY if I agree with what you’re saying.

Nothing makes me question my own stance quicker than being lumped in with people I want nothing to do with.

And I guess maybe I just don’t understand?  Why do we have to jump into everything balls out?  Why do we have to represent the worst of ourselves?  Why can’t we try being fucking CIVIL to one another?  Why does everything have to devolve immediately into who shouts the loudest?

You say that being civil does nothing, but when has screaming at someone ever changed their mind?  When has it ever done anything but convince them that they’re already right?

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I totally get why some women don’t want to identify as feminist.